Trouble in paradise?

I wouldn't go THAT far as to say it's trouble in paradise but I guess I can say a mini bump..a crack in the glass..a slight dimness in my candle.. 

Another part to this recovery process that's one of the most difficult parts to it is keeping your mindfulness throughout the entire process. Staying positive each & every day; day in & day out. While I have no appetite what so ever, whenever I take a bite of whatever I've attempted to try & it has ZERO taste or I take a sip of something & I want to spit it across the room bc it tastes so repulsive & once I've forced myself to try the tiny handful of whatever & endured the pain it's given me as well as the nausea at this point, I'm at my breaking point.. But I keep my positive attitude as best as I can. I pray to my dear Lord to give me strength & get through this difficult recovery & time & these next months. He's done so much for me so far & has been such an amazing God.. He won't fail me now! It's just so incredibly difficult to see that light at the end of the tunnel when my mom is physically having to walk me up the stairs, bc I'm so nauseous I can't think straight, to put me to bed, to sleep off this pain & nausea state Ive been put into all due to a little bit of food: that in my mind should be nutritious to my body but instead I feel like is poisoning my body right now. Dear amazing Lord of mine, please get me through this difficult time with my nutrition & I know I'll eventually get to where I need to be. This is probably a tad worse than the pain im still experiencing & recovering from on a daily basis.. They're both bad on separate levels so they're hard to compare to one another but this situation definitely makes it to the top of the list.. 

My blood sugars are doing well, I'm not complaining, I promise I'm not complaining.. But I am having difficulties right now.. I've hit a bit of a road block these last few weeks. I've hit a bit of a, I don't know what, with my long acting insulin, where I'm experimenting a bit with it & I think I found a fix to that, although it's something I wasn't too happy with in the beginning honestly..I went up one unit on my Lantus as a trial to see how it would effect my blood sugars. They peaked & I couldn't understand why.. & the numbers game is the hardest of all with this surgery & recovery!! Especially when you're islet cells are suppose to be thriving & maturing & you have NO idea what their suppose to be, how their suppose to be etc.!  It makes me scared for my islet cells & that's a common fear with this surgery. The idea of going up in numbers terrifies me honestly! I guess bc I've been blessed up until this point with such good numbers, seeing them falter I can't handle it.. So the change worked.. 

I am having to do an "experiment " with my clinical trial I enrolled in before my surgery. This is required for your 75day & 365day work-up appointment, you have to log your blood sugars for 2weeks prior fasting, prior to your meals & after within 2hrs.. Let me tell you how much of a mind game THAT is! I don't ever check my sugars after I eat.. I typically check within 5-6hrs after so they've stabilized at that point.. Within the 2hr time frame, I'm having high sugars & having to correct them, something totally different from my routine I've done for 2 months! I'm not liking it.. I've learned my body is extremely sensitive to sweets, which is KILLING me. I was never a super sweet fanatic, don't get me wrong, but now that I'm unable to have them, makes me want them even more at times! (I never craved sweets before unless I was going into a pancreatic attack bc I was sufficient in a lot of things!) I have found alternatives to my "baby cravings" but honestly it isn't the same & truthfully I wasn't even eating enough of the real stuff to truly make my sugars go as high as they were in the first place! It just makes it SO not worth it! 

These are the things that are going through my head day in & day out the past few days & they just won't let go. I'm praying morning, noon & night & I know God is with me for better, worse & the inbetween but this is just difficult. Another part of the recovery that's showed it's true colors.. I have calmed a bit since talking to my trusty cousin who's been living with diabetes for years & he's been a big help to me & I can't thank him enough! It's always great to have this continued support & love from everyone & I'm truly blessed to have this support, encouragement & love!! 

Please continue to pray for my important islet cells to be okay, continue to thrive & mature within my trusty liver & put my fears to rest in that department.
Pray for peace, comfort, willpower to continue on, strength & courage!! I know the good Lord is with me through this difficult journey & will give me everything I need, when he's ready. The extra prayers & support are always welcomed, felt & completely appreciated!!
I love you all so very much! «3

1 month post-op visit!

WOW! I can't believe (a) I've actually made it to my 1 month post-op visit lol & (b) Has time stood still or did the time fly by?!?!

Things have been so crazy on my end I don't even know where to begin.. Let me just say, as I've said before... When I was forewarned about this recovery being one of the hardest things I'll go through in my life.. BOY were those people RIGHT!! I don't mean to say that to scare you guys in any way (especially if you're considering this surgery) but it's the honest truth & doesn't need to be sugar coated.. When my doctors told me it would be a year for recovery, I can see why now! The thing that has truly gotten me through just these first 5 weeks is my AMAZING support system; my awesome parents & grandparents, family that have been able to come around, some very amazing & blessed friends, as well & my awesome, amazing God!! I wouldn't be where I am today without the good Lord!! I can not begin to say thank you enough for all of the beautiful flowers I've received so far, as well as the sweet "Get Well" cards... Those make my day brighter everytime I see them & I enjoy every single one!!! With this recovery, I haven't ever experienced pain, the nausea & just a plain uncomfortable feeling as I have since surgery. My pain is still unfortunately still pretty bad, & my nausea isn't letting up much either. On top of my abdominal / back pain, I'm still having that obnoxious shoulder pain every couple days.. I was told today at my appt that it's still referred pain from my diaphragm being irritated & inflammed from surgery & who's to know how long that could take. My appetite hasn't returned & as I wrote before, could take up to 6-8 months before making its appearance again.. So until then we're going full force with the Boost Glucose Control & whatever tiny bit of protein I can stomach(3/4 grilled nuggets) followed by horrible pain from my new digestive system & extreme nausea.
I'm slowly working on getting comfortable in my own bed, yes it's taken me 5+weeks to STILL find that comfortable spot.. We're still working on it! LOL

I get exhausted after pretty much every activity I do right now, also a nice side effect of the surgery & my slowly having to regain all of my strength back. It's very hard for me & frustrating at times(this is the one thing I'm having a hard time grasping just because I'm use to going whenever & now I totally can't!) I have to nap after I eat, shower, go for a mini walk(to the stop sign & back), have visitors.. Doing anything takes a lot out of you..
It's SO wonderful having visitors though.. That always brightens my afternoon or evening up so if you're contemplating wanting to come by, please do.. Just shoot mom or I a text & well be looking out for u! :-)
I THINK.. Yes, think, i have officially gotten rid of every piece of tape residue that was residing on my body.. Finally!! You guys don't realize just HOW MUCH tape residue you acquire from being in the ICU for 5.5 days & the floor for 1.5days..its insane & EVERYWHERE! hah

My 1st monthly post-op doctors appointment went fairly well! The nutritionist, PA & my surgeon all said I looked really good & were happy to see how I looked. The nutritionist isn't worried with how my appetite isn't there, & she reiterated to me the timing it could take before it's epic return.. Like I'm. Constantly. Reminded... It's a Slow Steady Recovery... A year before you'll be back to normal.. I was told that again today.. No one wants to hear that.. Everyone was pleased with my blood sugar levels! Woohoo GO ME! I'm working hard on keeping those levels stable right now... Remember everyone.. We still need prayers & more prayers for those growing, thriving islet cells that were transplanted into my liver!! They need to keep growing & thriving so they'll work properly!! No dying for my cells!!!
My surgeon's plan for the next month is to hopefully get my pain & nausea a bit more under control. We've changed & upped my pain meds just a bit, as well as put me on a scheduled dose for my nausea meds.. The more they're in my system, the better controlled it'll be.. Similar to the pain-or any other type of medicine for that matter. I also had a little mini procedure during my visit today; I've had some sutures sticking out of my neck ever since a RN took out my central line, but left some souvenirs lol.. My surgeon got some pick-ups & started, ever so delicately(NO joke.. I couldn't even feel her moving & one suture was WAY embedded in my skin) started dissecting it out. There's still a little suture left but nothing like before! Go Dr Morgan! :)

I head back down to Charleston next month for another monthly visit, my appointment with the endocrinologist, as well as a clinical trial study work-up appointment.. If this appointment didn't exhaust me, next months agenda definitely will!

Thank you guys again SO much for all of your love, support & encouragement!! I wouldn't be where I am at today without everyone & I truly appreciate, love & am so grateful for every single one of you guys!!
                     SO MUCH LOVE ‹3

My scar the day after surgery, a few days after & recently now that the staples are out