Trouble in paradise?

I wouldn't go THAT far as to say it's trouble in paradise but I guess I can say a mini bump..a crack in the glass..a slight dimness in my candle.. 

Another part to this recovery process that's one of the most difficult parts to it is keeping your mindfulness throughout the entire process. Staying positive each & every day; day in & day out. While I have no appetite what so ever, whenever I take a bite of whatever I've attempted to try & it has ZERO taste or I take a sip of something & I want to spit it across the room bc it tastes so repulsive & once I've forced myself to try the tiny handful of whatever & endured the pain it's given me as well as the nausea at this point, I'm at my breaking point.. But I keep my positive attitude as best as I can. I pray to my dear Lord to give me strength & get through this difficult recovery & time & these next months. He's done so much for me so far & has been such an amazing God.. He won't fail me now! It's just so incredibly difficult to see that light at the end of the tunnel when my mom is physically having to walk me up the stairs, bc I'm so nauseous I can't think straight, to put me to bed, to sleep off this pain & nausea state Ive been put into all due to a little bit of food: that in my mind should be nutritious to my body but instead I feel like is poisoning my body right now. Dear amazing Lord of mine, please get me through this difficult time with my nutrition & I know I'll eventually get to where I need to be. This is probably a tad worse than the pain im still experiencing & recovering from on a daily basis.. They're both bad on separate levels so they're hard to compare to one another but this situation definitely makes it to the top of the list.. 

My blood sugars are doing well, I'm not complaining, I promise I'm not complaining.. But I am having difficulties right now.. I've hit a bit of a road block these last few weeks. I've hit a bit of a, I don't know what, with my long acting insulin, where I'm experimenting a bit with it & I think I found a fix to that, although it's something I wasn't too happy with in the beginning honestly..I went up one unit on my Lantus as a trial to see how it would effect my blood sugars. They peaked & I couldn't understand why.. & the numbers game is the hardest of all with this surgery & recovery!! Especially when you're islet cells are suppose to be thriving & maturing & you have NO idea what their suppose to be, how their suppose to be etc.!  It makes me scared for my islet cells & that's a common fear with this surgery. The idea of going up in numbers terrifies me honestly! I guess bc I've been blessed up until this point with such good numbers, seeing them falter I can't handle it.. So the change worked.. 

I am having to do an "experiment " with my clinical trial I enrolled in before my surgery. This is required for your 75day & 365day work-up appointment, you have to log your blood sugars for 2weeks prior fasting, prior to your meals & after within 2hrs.. Let me tell you how much of a mind game THAT is! I don't ever check my sugars after I eat.. I typically check within 5-6hrs after so they've stabilized at that point.. Within the 2hr time frame, I'm having high sugars & having to correct them, something totally different from my routine I've done for 2 months! I'm not liking it.. I've learned my body is extremely sensitive to sweets, which is KILLING me. I was never a super sweet fanatic, don't get me wrong, but now that I'm unable to have them, makes me want them even more at times! (I never craved sweets before unless I was going into a pancreatic attack bc I was sufficient in a lot of things!) I have found alternatives to my "baby cravings" but honestly it isn't the same & truthfully I wasn't even eating enough of the real stuff to truly make my sugars go as high as they were in the first place! It just makes it SO not worth it! 

These are the things that are going through my head day in & day out the past few days & they just won't let go. I'm praying morning, noon & night & I know God is with me for better, worse & the inbetween but this is just difficult. Another part of the recovery that's showed it's true colors.. I have calmed a bit since talking to my trusty cousin who's been living with diabetes for years & he's been a big help to me & I can't thank him enough! It's always great to have this continued support & love from everyone & I'm truly blessed to have this support, encouragement & love!! 

Please continue to pray for my important islet cells to be okay, continue to thrive & mature within my trusty liver & put my fears to rest in that department.
Pray for peace, comfort, willpower to continue on, strength & courage!! I know the good Lord is with me through this difficult journey & will give me everything I need, when he's ready. The extra prayers & support are always welcomed, felt & completely appreciated!!
I love you all so very much! «3

12 days post-op

I'm 12 days post-op today... I'm so proud of myself for getting this far, but boy has it been a struggle to get this far, just 12 days I know! When they tell you recovery is one of the hardest things you'll go through, it truly is!

Looking back at my days in the hospital, I'm totally shocked at how much of a breeze it was for me & how well I did.. The pain meds & epidural totally helped with that 100% no doubt, but God helped me get through those days just a little easier. I remember the majority of my time in the hospital, where I have some friends who have expressed they didn't remember much of their time in the hospital, or especially the time in the ICU..; the first few days were extremely difficult pain wise, trying to get the pain pump meds corrected, as well as getting the epidural meds correct.. None of my pain meds were really working right that first night, so I was pretty miserable, getting minimal relief in the beginning... Once things got adjusted I was good to go for a few days.. 

When my surgeon told my family how my pancreas looked(diseased, hardened, inflammed & fibrous) I was shocked to hear that come out of moms mouth to be honest. I knew I had been sick, & that I had been going on for a while, but not to this extent.. It's funny.. I wanted my pancreas to be sick because I didn't want to have gone through this surgery for nothing, but I definitely wasn't expecting this extreme of a sickness.. Thank the good Lord that organ is finally out of my body for good & isn't making me sick anymore! 

My sugars were running pretty great & stable almost right out of the OR, which worked in my favor. I started off on the insulin drip, they took me off of it pretty quickly, still having my glucose checks every 30minutes from my femoral A-line (bc my veins suck completely & they couldn't get an A-line on either arm, & I have nice bruises from that & they tried twice for the femoral before striking gold!) I stayed off the insulin drip for a good while, but had to be out back on it for a short while, while taking my sugars every hour for a while.. After the first 16/18hrs the drip was discontinued, if I have my hours right, & my sugars were still being checked every hour for a while, then went to every 4 hours.. Let me tell you, that A-line was a lifesaver for those sticks!!

I had some excruciating pain in my shoulders coming out of surgery, that I'm still battling in my left shoulder unfortunately... It has gone down immensely but the pain I was experiencing I couldn't explain. My doctors said it was referred pain from my diaphragm being irritated & agitated during surgery. The unfortunate thing about that is that there's not much you can do about it, except let it run its course.. Let the diaphragms inflammation go down & the pain will subside.. So massage & ice pack the shoulders & pray it goes away ASAP. It wasn't ASAP for me though lol & boy was that a miserable pain, along with my surgical pain.. & it's funny how my pain meds weren't helping with my shoulder pain AT ALL!!
Because of my femoral A-line placement, I was confined to the bed a little longer than I typically would have been.. Due to the fact they didn't want me moving & causing any blood clots or dislodging the A-line. Once the line was removed, my nurse got me up for my first time trip to the chair.. We even ventured out to the nurses station & back before sitting in the chair for a few hours. It felt so weird & painful walking( thank you epidural! )

I would get up daily & sit in the chair & thr following say physical therapy came to visit to help walk with me a bit more in the unit.. I had a handy dandy walker by my side for stability, which helped me so much, esp because I couldn't, & still can't!, stand up straight bc of my incision & abdominal pain.. After the second day, I was pretty much using my own body weight to stand up from the chair & using the walker as my stability clutch more so..

I'm so thankful for my many visitors I've had that came from Greenville, Columbia,  Myrtle Beach, Atlanta & here in Charleston to visit! You guys didn't have to go through that much trouble to visit in the first place & coming to spend time with me while I was recovering meant the world to me!! My wonderful friends, family, & family friends are just so special to me for thinking of me through this difficult time, much less coming by & spending time with my family and myself!!

Before going to the OR

It's been so nice being out if the hospital relaxing here at the hotel the past few days, while we wait for my follow-up appointment. It was a much wiser decision to stay closer in town, instead of heading back to Greenville straight after discharge for my peace of mind, & because of the amount of pain I have been in.. Driving wouldn't be the easiest... Better do it once instead of 3x so soon..

Eating has been the hardest on me... My appetite just completely sucks, which is common & normal with this surgery... It could take up to 6months to get my appetite back to normal.. I have no desire to eat anything, no taste for anything, nothing tastes good.. Extreme nausea & intense & extreme pain during & after I eat.. Everything is working against me.  It'll get better with time but right now it's not my thing.

I'm still in an incredible amount of pain in my back & abdominal area(& my shoulder) I know I'm only 12 days out & my surgeon isn't worried about that, it's completely normal.. But the pain is miserable & my life has revolved around this.. It would be wonderful to wake up one day without pain at all!

I had my staples removed today, which wasn't the most pleasant experience. The resident truly was compassionate and did work with me as much as he could.. I can't lay down flat, so that didn't help him, & where my incision hits, is in a funky position so it made it a bit difficult for him to get a couple of the staples. Some of the staples came out super easy.. & then others HOLY COW!! I thought my heart was going to pound through my chest with how much it hurt.. & now my incision looks so weird & ugly.. It does have some dry, scabby area that I know will come off eventually in the shower but if it doesn't "shape up" better I'm going to be so upset over this...

I think I'll be pulling tape & tape residue off my body for the next year, with how much tape & dressings I've had over me the past 2 weeks in such a small area.. I'll have some good battle wounds, my central line scar on my neck, JP tube drain, surgical incision, & my femoral A-line.. I would have had another drain site for my islet cells but they had to manually inject the cella instead if insert a catheter because my vein was *once again* too small & unable too for the procedure lol.. Can you see a consistent theme within my body.. Too small veins & arteries! Crazy right! I'm still swollen around my abdomen & legs a bit.. NOTHING compared to what it was like in the hospital & the days following discharge, but the swelling hasn't completely gone down yet... It will eventually.. 

I think I've updated with everything.. If I missed something I'm sorry...I'll remember & add it to the next post. :)  please continue your prayers for strength & courage to get me through this difficult recovery.. Although it may seem like I'm over the hump, this will be one of my greatest challenges.. God truly has blessed me so far, getting me to this point & he has been with me this entire journey.. I wouldn't have made it this far without him, no doubt!! I wouldn't have made it without your support and love either! My utmost respect, love & gratitude for all the support, encouragement and strength I've been receiving from everyone of you guys! I truly appreciate your taking the time out to send the texts, emails, phone calls, prayers etc.. I look forward to being back home in the coming days & being back in my own bed, recovering in my own house!
I can't wait to start seeing all of you guys that have expressed wanting to come visit as well.. Looking forward to our visits!
      

A couple pics from my hospital stay

A couple pics from my hospital stay

                        SO much love «3

Control..

We may not always understand the struggle at the moment but it's truth will reveal itself when ready! God is in control! #amen  Releasing that control to God is a very frightening thing.  Now being in control of your life is a very frightening thing; or at least feeling like you're not in control of your life.. the truth of the matter is, you are completely in control of it.  God knows your path, every single bit of it & he will guide you to the exact place you need to be!  It's already been planned out for you.  No need to fret on the little things (although TRUST ME, it is very hard not too at times) everything will be A-OK! God is with you through this entire journey in this crazy thing we call life & he will bring us to the right place were suppose to be, at the right time!! Keep that faith!! <3