Wishful Thinking...

So a lot has been going in these past few weeks.. A LOT.  I guess you can say that has been a good thing, keeping myself busy.. I've been going to weddings, spending time with family, dealing with some personal issues, painting, & of course going to the doctors (that doesn't ever change I feel like! HA) 

This seems to be the time for weddings.. One of a very close family member got married this past weekend & another close friend is getting married this coming weekend.  A bunch of close friends have gotten engaged recently & I am so ecstatically happy for them as well. This is such a joyous time in their lives & I am so blessed to be able to be apart of that next step & journey of their lives.  

So as everyone has known, this upcoming doctors appointment this past weekend was very anticipated.  It was very up in the air on what was to happen, what was to come of it, what I was to learn of the appointment, what was going to become of the appointment, it was very unknown & very unnerving to be honest... I knew I was going to have to meet with behavioral medicine(essentially the psychologist because of the transplant portion of my surgery this is required for my surgery) & then I knew I was meeting with my PA, but what was to be discussed, I had NO idea.. Whether I was getting my surgery date today, or not I had NO clue.. I was told I would but it was honestly up to them.. what they thought best for me and my plan of action for success.. I came into this appointment with anxiety and extreme nerves because I was waiting for this appointment for 2 months, in a lot of pain, and I am just extremely READY for this next step in my life and ready to start that journey of getting better; not staying in this stream of misery & pain & uncertainty for who knows how long.. this entire process is just very long, exhausting & stressful.  Not that is isn't suppose to be all roses & sunshine because it isn't at all; it's just extremely difficult to get from point A to point B. 

My appointment was not very successful Friday at all.. I was there for about 5 hours, without any success, I felt like.. I am now going to have to do mandatory Pain Management group therapy, which is apparently required for ALL transplant patients, for 6 weeks, prior to surgery.  Now whether I do 2-3 prior to surgery & then finish the rest after surgery is a possibility or I have to do all 6 before surgery is entirely up to the doctors.  They will decide while I am in group sessions & surgery could get scheduled as quickly as within 2 week after therapy has started.  I will be with people similar to me, either other pancreatitis patients or post-op Total Pancreatectomy patients, and I will learn Pain Management coping skills; which will be very helpful post operative, especially if my epidural fails, or my pain is just so incredible that I need extra pain coping skills.  I will start sessions June 24 and hopefully do the 24 & the 1st & see what happens after that. This is a good thing but it just sucks big because it is postponing my surgery an extra 6 weeks maximum when I truly do need it as soon as possible. 

The downfall to having to do this is I will need yet ANOTHER surgery to exchange my stents that are in my pancreas right now keeping my ducts open.  We have held off on that for too long at this point, just because we anticipated surgery to be at the beginning of July.  Surgery could STILL be anytime in July, BUT I can't take that chance of waiting anymore & hurt my ducts or have them perforate with a bad stent in them, because that would be a horrible situation.  I am already in a horrible amount of pain, so the stents need to be changed out.  The bad thing about this is I have been holding out on the surgery because I didn't want my pancreas to be "touched or messed with" if I could hold off before major surgery just because every time we go in & change those stents, it makes my pancreas angry, and when that happens, I lose islet cells, which are those extra important cells I'll need for my transplant!!  I need extra prayers for those special islet cells for my transplant and I just can't have those cells damaged anymore than they have been in the past .... it's just a big deal to me and a scary situation because I don't want to lose anymore of those than what has to be lost so I can get the maximum amount for my surgery & transplant!! The more amount you get for transplant the better changes you have later on for recovery!!!

I know this is a lot of information and more information that you want to know about the pancreas, and I'm sorry... I know everything about the pancreas at this point with my disease!  lol  

in Charleston at the Drs

So at this point, I ask for prayers to get me through a few weeks of group therapy successfully & that I can schedule surgery quickly because I truly am ready.. I am SO ready... I feel like I am hanging on by a thread honestly.  My body is hanging on by a thread .  I know this is needed, it's just a sucky need at this point.. lol Please pray for a smooth transition with this Pain Management & a good learning curve.. I truly want a good result with it... I know it's not what I wanted, but it's what God wanted and I can handle that!  Just keep the prayers coming that surgery happens soon.. that the stent exchange is smooth & doesn't make my pancreas angry or upset & that I get scheduled for surgery pretty quickly & soon.  Once that happens, I'll have much more to update you on.  I'll update with more throughout therapy but until I know for sure when surgery is, it may be a little quiet, just because I don't want to repeat my writings & bother you guys ;) 

Love you guys SO much & I appreciate you're sticking with me through all of this and ALL of your support.  I feel all of your prayers, support, and love.  It means SO much to me and I can't thank you enough..

<3 T

with Baby Mikey at this sweet baptism :)

Control..

We may not always understand the struggle at the moment but it's truth will reveal itself when ready! God is in control! #amen  Releasing that control to God is a very frightening thing.  Now being in control of your life is a very frightening thing; or at least feeling like you're not in control of your life.. the truth of the matter is, you are completely in control of it.  God knows your path, every single bit of it & he will guide you to the exact place you need to be!  It's already been planned out for you.  No need to fret on the little things (although TRUST ME, it is very hard not too at times) everything will be A-OK! God is with you through this entire journey in this crazy thing we call life & he will bring us to the right place were suppose to be, at the right time!! Keep that faith!! <3

When life throws you lemons..

Words very heavy in my heart.

 Just living with a chronic illness has it's own struggles day in & day out.  Keeping my strong faith helps me keep my positive attitude throughout this entire process, set backs, difficulties & struggles, good & bad days: all of the above.  It's the knowing that there is a higher power above ultimately making that end decision & he is in ultimate control of everything; God is Good & he will make everything better.(This I DO believe)  Through all the financial struggles, insurance issues & difficulties & uncertainties going on, I have true faith in God that through these deep waters, he is my strength, my refuge, & he will show that miracle when it is time to shine!  Lesson from this blog isn't just for those struggling from a chronic illness or disease; it's for everyone! Everyone has daily struggles, whether it's a career struggle, reaching a goal, fighting your inner self, whatever it may be:  the key is to KEEP YOUR FAITH.  You can't reach those goals & dreams without faith in yourself & a higher being.  Losing faith is why you're always starting over & why things fail constantly.  Stay in tune with yourself & keep your faith; you CAN do this, what it is!

Always remember to keep that faith!! ✞

When I am afraid I will put all trust in you. Psalm 56:3 

Trust in the lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding in all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

With Love <3

Love & Gratitude

When I first became ill, I kept it very quiet in the beginning.  The main people that knew were my main family members & just a couple of my close friends.  To be honest, I didn't really take it that seriously in the beginning.  Even with the research I did, I thought, "oh after a surgery or two, I'll be as good a new.. even though I feel like crap now; all of this will work out & I'll be fine, no big deal" HA!  Little did I know, I was in for the ride of my life; surgery after surgery, tests & labs one after another, so many hospital stays I can't even count or keep track of anymore.. Who would have thought when all of this first began, I would have ended up here, and I'd be in for a surgery of a lifetime:  pancreas removal ..  Surgically induced type 1 diabetic.. Life changer!!  I sure as heck never thought that in the very beginning, that's for sure.  I have learned SO much through all of this that life is not a joke nor should we ever take anything for-granted. You never know when it may change in a split second before you; due to a car accident, birth defects (like in my case) & then complications of a surgical procedure, life events or personal family matters -- anything out there can happen for life altering events.  We take our lives for-granted so often; take a step back & appreciate what we truly have in our lives:  our families & friends, LIFE, air in our lungs, the chance to make relationships with people, for some people health, fitness & nutrition, education & careers, etc.  Stop & smell the roses every once in a while & appreciate the little things again.. Remember to tell the people in your life you love them & they matter to you.  

Ever since my illness has become more chronic & especially recently, the more people have learned about what is to come in my upcoming future with surgery & recovery; I have had an outpouring of love & affection from an incredible amount of friends & family.  A lot of them are from my spiritual family at church, which is so humbling at the outpouring love & support I've received from them.  Spiritual family members are there for you in time of need & the amount of love & support I have received in just the last few weeks (and even just today) was overwhelming wonderful.  Words can't express how thankful, blessed, loved & appreciative I am for all of the support, love & prayers I am receiving.  Knowing I have all of that support behind me & having that extra backbone truly helps; lifts that little bit of anxiety off my shoulders in time of despair & knowing you have all of those people in your corner praying for you is comforting in those times of need.  I feel like I can't show enough gratitude towards everyone but I truly am so incredibly gracious!!  Thank you for the continued prayers in the upcoming weeks & months through this entire process.  I'll continue to thank every one of you as I see you individually, as well as showing my appreciation throughout the entire community whenever possible.

I've met some incredible people along this journey so far that will forever be my friends through this thing called life.  We all share a special bond; our pasts (soon to be mine as well) include CP, and we've all gone through or are getting ready to go through a difficult path towards the road to recovery: TP/AIT.  The best part is we share this special bond of having overcame this amazingly debilitating disease & fought like hell to get to where we are today.. I know I sure as hell will be doing that.. recovery isn't easy I'm being reminded day in & day out from my fellow friends:  but there IS a silver lining at the end of the tunnel with the light waiting for you. NO PANCREAS PAIN.  No more daily heavy dose pain meds to make the pancreas pain go away (after some time passes from surgery of course).  You get to EAT again.  You get your LIFE back! I am in.  Thank you to every one of my fellow TP/AIT troupers; you guys will forever be my friends & support through all of this.. I couldn't have asked God to bring a better group of people into my life for support & guidance through this entire process; that alone was it's own miracle.  I look forward to the day we can officially celebrate the right way! 

Much Love & Gratitude
xo-T

.Mini pictionary blog night.

Tonight will be a short blog post.. Instead I'm using some imaging to interrupt my thoughts as my main blog.. A lot of times I have SO many thoughts running through my jumbled up brain of mine that I have a hard time forming complete thoughts to write a single topic for you guys.. sooo instead I'm sticking to a little pictionary, if you will for my blog.   Let's get creative here...

Women know this statement is true to it's word.. Those stilettos are OH SO beautiful on the outside, but wreak havoc on the inside...pretty similar to what I'm going through with my CP & pancreatic disorder.  I'm pretty known for putting up a front of having this smile on my face, going about my every day life as much as possible, pushing my illness to the back-burner & trying not to wear my illness on my sleeve. That isn't always the case, but just like the stiletto no matter the pain, you'll see me trying to push my beauty out first & foremost & make the best out of it!!

My faith has kept me going through all of this & has just grown stronger, the harder this journey has gotten. My relationship with God will continue to grown stronger, just as it should & with all the prayers & hopeful success in surgery, my journey will eventually become a little less deep.

Taking myself out of this equation, I think about this on a daily basis.. Bullying is no joke; people put up fronts to cover up what is going on deep inside of them, whether it's illness, pain, personal issues, heartbreak etc.  Don't judge a book by it's cover:  people may put up a barriers for protection or to avoid pity.  Try to view things from their side of things prior to judgement.

No caption truly needed for this picture!!  Unfortunately, I have a handful of people in all 3 of these groups; which I wish I could say I didn't.  It makes my heart ache & sad to say this, and I don't understand the reasoning for this; although I know God has a true reasoning for this & I trust in him for throwing this at me & giving me these situations.  It only makes me stronger & is a good learning experience.  I have learned good lessons from it.

Throughout this ENTIRE journey, I've never lost hope that every surgery I've had would work, or every scan/labs would turn out better than the next, etc.. I know God is there bringing me that hope that I've been holding out for & when it happens(because I can feel that lining is right around the corner) it is going to be epic & life changing!!
God is with me!!